The Downfall of Big Coffee

Well, it is 6:15 a.m., and I am at work. However, this fact alone has established two very important bits of information:

UNIVERSAL TRUTH 1. It is still dark at 6:15 a.m.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH 2. There is no traffic at 6:15 a.m.

I am fairly confident these two truths are related. I think we can draw a third certainty from these two. Heck, let's call it a paradigm:

UNIVERSAL PARADIGM 1. 6:15 a.m is a Godforsaken time to be getting to work, and most people, realizing this, decline to rise before the sun does. Good for them.

Meanwhile, in my God forsaken cubicle in my God forsaken building on my God forsaken installation at this God forsaken time, I am enjoying the peace and quiet reserved for us God forsakers. I bought a new coffee maker, thereby shunning the established coffee mess (we call it Big Coffee) and introducing a fresher, disease-free medium blend into the office.

I had hoped the coffee maker ($8.93 at Wal-Mart) would be slightly more stealthy, but no, as it brews it emits these "Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark" type whispers. It turns out that my coffee maker is not only God forsaken--it is possessed. Strictly following the guidelines laid down by the Supreme Court in such landmark decisions as Wallace v. Jaffree regarding the separation of Church and State (Ruth Bader Ginsburg specifically mentioned devil-incarnate kitchen appliances in her written opinion), my coffee maker is definitely, definitely not allowed in a government building.

However, until the ACLU inevitably finds out, my satanic coffee maker will continue to whisper sweet, evil nothings in my ear.
I have an unholy urge to support Rudy Giuliani.