The Games Catholics Play

Every Sunday millions of Americans routinely attend their local church service and devoutly turn their attention to sitting as far away from each other as possible. This is particularly true for Catholics, who start feeling crowded unless you could comfortably park an adult rhinoceros (not the pygmy kind, either) in the empty space between parishioners. In fact, your average man would rather a rhinoceros sit on his lap throughout the service if only for the chance they didn't have to shake hands with the other guys sitting nearby. This is the same guy who, if not for his wife dragging him to this goddamn service, would be watching the Redskins' first preseason game with his buddies, high-fiving, chest-bumping, group-hugging and performing other mildly pornographic activities that, in the absence of beer and placekickers, would earn a PG-13 rating from the Motion Picture Association of America.

As a registered Engineer-in-Training, I have it on good authority (read: no authority) that when designing seating arrangements for a Catholic church, architects are required to utilize the following formula released by the Second Vatican Council:

Total Pew Footage = (# of people at Easter who show up because they feel that Catholic guilt)*(the year of the Second Coming)/[Average Length of an Adult Rhinoceros (in cubits)]

Unfortunately, architects, when presented with impossible units like cubits or inches, cross it out and substitute the number 1.618,which they heard about in a Discovery Channel documentary. This is why the average Catholic church, which by the formula should be the size of New Hampshire, is no bigger than your average room at Motel 6.

But nonetheless, Catholics are a resourceful people (see: The Inquisition), and with pesky laws against torturing infidels we have turned to inventing seating patterns to maximize inter-parishioner space. In fact, I have perfected this holy art, and I am routinely the only person in my row. This is a luxury normally reserved for people with infants, those who have slightly ungodly odors and individuals directly affected by the provisions of Jessica's Law.

I like to think my incredible talent is because I am a registered Engineer-in-Training, able to perform, without my direct knowledge or effort, the many calculations necessary to pick that optimal seat.

But just in case, I am changing my deodorant.