Short Stories

(I wrote this on watch. Please do not assume I have the time and/or energy to write like this often. It would ruin my image.)

I am no literary expert. I mean, I did take a college class once and spent (one and a half) hours every (other) day listening to my professor talk about books (movies). And my professor is a close and personal friend of Stephen Soderbergh (really!), the talented director of "Sex, Lies, Videotape," which empirical evidence gathered by legions of misguided grad students suggests that despite the obvious hurdle of not being a book, would actually do very well in (adult) bookstores. So, I am only two degrees separated from Mr. Soderbergh, which is the same thing as saying that I am only two degrees away from being Mr. Soderbergh, and if I were Mr. Soderbergh I'd be using my "Erin Brockovich" royalties to buy a literary expert instead of pretending to be one. But I almost know Stephen Soderbergh, which should be able to get me on Fox News. Yeah, I'm the real deal.

Just kidding....for now.

Short stories. Right. I find short stories to be the best kind of story to both read and write. I justify this with the following reasons:

1. Short stories are short.

2. If you need a second reason, you obviously did not grasp Reason No. 1. Find the nearest unabridged hardcover copy of A Tale of Two Cities, grasp it firmly in your hands, and promptly drop it on your favorite toe (you know you have one). Perhaps the weight of Reason No. 1 will become apparent to you.

Short stories are the lazy man's novel. And it is a sweet deal for authors, too. Hemingway was perhaps the laziest of them all. Despite the hours you may have spent fervently wishing to toll his bell, you have to admit that Hemingway knew how to write. Instead of working to describe in assiduous detail every moss-covered crack of every stone in every building , Hemingway's minimalist style forced the reader to actually use their imagination while they read. I should probably qualify that I have never actually read a Hemingway novel, but I know people who have. If this doesn't work for you, remember that I (almost) know Stephen Soderbergh, and that can get me on Fox News.

In addition to his novels that I have never read but know the names of, Hemingway also wrote short stories--60 in all. In fact, when asked for the most perfect story, he answered in six words: "For sale. Baby shoes. Never used." Amazing! Hemingway can sell a classified ad as a story.

To be serious, though, these six words evoke powerful emotional questions that hijack your brain and force you to imagine the story that Hemingway didn't tell. Powerful stuff. I feel like trying a couple. I could never match the brevity or power of Hemingway's story, but it seems like a fun way to pass a lonely evening away from home.

Among his possessions they found a diamond ring, size 4.

--Oooh, what is it? A young man who died broken hearted when his petite fiancee returned the token of his affection? Or a drunk midget who liked his "bling?"

In the beggar's coat was a letter, unopened, containing a cashier's check for $50,000.

--Hmmm, did he know about the check? Who wrote the letter? Was it blood money that led him to choose a life in the gutter? Okay, that's two about finding dead people. They seem to be easy to write, but I'll try something else.

She saw the two men, and fear gripped her.

--This isn't really along the same lines. It isn't a complete story in my opinion. I can think of quite a few scenarios that could be played out with this sentence.

Mittens was missing, but the chicken was unusually tender that evening.

--That's not right.