Professional Sign Spinners

Local news hit its heyday back in the 1970s, back when news channels were still locally owned, civic pride was more than a quaint idea, and the general populace was too naive/stoned to care if the anchors on their favorite channel were blatantly insulting them, as long as they did with a smile and a quirky catch phrase. Think Ron Burgundy.

Nowadays, the local news exists largely in the realm of the obscure, like squirrels outlandishly decked out in this season's patriotic rodent couture or the latest in a series of macaroni sculptures lampooning the most comical-looking, non-minority local political figure.

However, after the nightly Health Watch (pulled directly from msnbc.com) but before the Weather Outlook (also pulled directly from msnbc.com), news outlets, conscious of their affiliation with their multinational parent corporations, attempt to connect with their viewers with a little bit of local color. While this saccharin segment usually features a church play with questionable production values but an identifiable moral theme, every now and then these segments will show a tournament for a minor and until-just-now-unheard-of sport.

Tonight the sport was sign spinning.

You know, those signs people spin on street corners to advertise the latest store liquidation sales? Apparently it has gone competitive. And because these people get paid for spinning signs, it can actually be considered a professional sport.

Until this evening, I sincerely believed that this was a career path generally reserved for, um, the domiciliarily challenged. (Note the Italics. This reflects the sensitivity of the matter. It is akin to the way white people say black people when it is possible that black people could be within the same congressional district at that given moment.)

I don't feel guilty for making this assumption, and you know you have, too. I mean, look at the facts:

1. Stores that advertise with spinning signs, are, often by their own admission, failing. They are going out of business, liquidating inventory, filing for bankruptcy, etc. They obviously don't have that much money to throw around on extra employees. Honestly, what successful business advertises with spinning signs? When have you ever been driving through town and said, "Oh honey! Look at the seductive way that sign is waving. Boy, if an establishment can afford a sign waver that good, they don't even need my business. Adjustable rate mortgages?? With that low introductory rate, how could we lose?!"

2. Homeless people--Italics, for some reason, only apply to the term, domiciliarily challenged. Don't ask me. I don't make the rules--already spend a lot of time outdoors, and already work for the bargain basement rate of one windshield cleaning per Subway coupon. If p, then q....

But, incredulously, sign spinners are professionals (Italics for disbelief, not sensitivity) who get together to compete regularly. And after watching thirty seconds, I am fairly impressed. I kinda want to buy that timeshare in the Shenandoah Valley.

In addition to my new ski lodge (three days a year, nonconsecutive), I came away from the experience with a strong parallel to another "sport" near and dear to my heart: competitive marching band. Because, as every underdeveloped, asthmatic band geek will tell you, the real athletes play at halftime. Right.

But I was in marching band for four years, and sign spinning looks awfully like the band auxiliary. (In band-ese, "auxiliary" is the politically correct term for "flag team," even though, to the astute observer, the "auxiliary" is a team of girls twirling flags. But it is best not to piss off a group of thirty girls because, statistically, there is at least one of them who, on this particular day of the month, will not hesitate to beat you repeatedly and proficiently with an array of blunt objects.)

I am convinced band auxilliaries can do for competitive sign spinning what Jamaican sprinters did for Olympic bobsledding. Namely, generate enormous sponsor revenues and spawn a lucrative Disney movie deal.

However, if that doesn't pan out I know a furniture store looking for some good sign spinners. To qualify, you must be able to manipulate a five-pound laminated, arrow-shaped cardboard sign. Willingness to work for Subway coupons is a plus.