Cruise Chronicles: Buyer Beware

Cruise Chronicles - My wife and I recently returned from a nine-day Caribbean cruise. These are our tales.

There are many milestones in the cruise industry. The first lifeboat. Balconies. The first lifeboat that actually floated. Reggae music introduced. The drink, "Coco Loco." Ice rinks. Disney characters on demand.

Probably one of the more profitable milestones, however, was the first boat to sell stuff on cruise ships. Since the first time man walked in the sand and declared it slightly enjoyable, people on vacation have been eager to spend willy nilly. I suppose the psychological barrier to large expenses has already been broken and people don't feel that guilt when they buy things. It is kind of like placing a three foot-high wall of sand bags on the other side of a levee. Once that water breaks through the levee it will pause for a hummingbird's heartbeat before going over those little sandbags.

This psychological freedom, if you will, is why outlet malls flourish at beach locales, despite the surprisingly ignored fact that no one needs Waterford crystal to sip their Coco Locos, nor do people need a pair of Timberland boots to trudge through the waves. Car dealerships abound in Atlantic City. You've won $500 on slots?? Let's buy a Lexus!

Cruise ships will sell you crap (duty free!) at every corner. Liquor, jewelry, perfume, cosmetics. Whatever you may want on your cruise vacation. Oh, but you can't drink the liquor on the boat (they plugged that loophole years ago). They also have art auctions and casinos, in case you want to lose your money faster. The sequence of operations for these businesses is strange enough that it should alert the moderately intelligent individual:>

1. They open when the ship enters international waters.

2. They close when the ship enters port.

hmm.

It seems those pesky government regulators don't like these shops, auctions and casinos operating within their jurisdiction. So the ship waits until it enters international waters, free from commercial codes and gaming commissions, where it can take your money with unfettered abandon. Auction houses in the US are highly regulated industries and are professionally run. Art auctions at sea are unregulated and will sell you valueless art by plying you with free alcohol and preventing you from your right to due diligence by limiting your information of the pieces.

We took a nine-day cruise for $899 each. That is $100/day for food, lodging, entertainment and a 2400-mile boat ride. I imagine those old people sitting at the slot machines were subsidizing my cruise vacation. So, here are my suggestions for saving money on your next trip:

Bryan's Money-Saving Cruise Rules

1. If you are not me or my immediate family, spend often and in excess. You're paying for our trip!

2. Never ever buy art on a cruise ship. Shop at Wal-Mart for the same prints.

3. Buy liquor only if you are an alcoholic and need to save that extra $2 on your next bottle of Kahlua.

4. Buy jewelry/perfume only if you broke any of the above rules and need to score points with your significant other for immediate redemption.