The many perils of cubicle squatting

As I mentioned before, I am an office nomad. Having been stripped of my desk and computer by a more senior coworker, I wander the halls in search of available computers. I hope for vacation days and pray for chronic illnesses to free up a desk. I won't lie to you--my lifestyle is assuredly not glamorous, but there is certainly an air of adventure to it. It is exciting. It is Romantic with a capital "R." It is the life of a white collar hobo.

But alas, there are many dangers that can befall an enterprising wanderer such as myself. Incorrect lumbar support has left me permanently hunched over, and inadequate task lighting has left me slightly annoyed. Sticky keyboards and organizational faux pas have tested my closet OCD to the point of involuntary muscle spasms. However, the biggest peril that can befall a white collar hobo is thelure of strange and mysterious office supplies.

Now, you may think that a veteran cubicle jockey such as myself must have seen every type of office supplies ever devised, and a week ago I would have agreed with you. While squatting in Kord's cubicle this week, however, I met the Clam Clip. The Clam Clip is a handheld device that sort of resembles the offspring of an eraser, a marker, and a staple remover (if such interspecies office supply procreation were indeed possible). On the top of the device is a push trigger that, forabout three-quarters of its operation does absolutely nothing.

At this point most timid office workers might have put down the Clam Clip and slowly walked away, but not a white collar hobo. I did the only thing I could do. I brought the Clam Clip up to eye level for closer inspection and jammed that trigger forward.

I am still not sure exactly what happened. All I know is that I got shot in the face with what I can only surmise was a clammed clip. We may never know. I could not find the projectile anywhere. I suspect that it is either lodged deeply in my forehead or somewhere in Low Earth Orbit. That crack we heard was most likely the projectile breaking the sound barrier.

The Clam Clip has since been disposed of in such a manner that its evil will never harm anyone again. Please don't tell Kord when he gets back from his vacation.