Kill Chuck Norris

Well, a couple of Pennsylvania kids got caught plotting to kill Chuck Norris:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,349608,00.html

School officials acknowledge the hit list, which also listed for good measure a couple students and administrators, was probably a joke.

Of course it was a joke. Everyone knows you can't kill Mr. Norris. He can single-handedly defeat twenty armed bad guys without scuffing his boots. His signature facial hair is both flame retardant and bulletproof. Judging by the frequency of his infomercials, the man never stops exercising. He will beat you.

And, more pointedly, no one wants to kill Mr. Norris. He is like Jesus with a sweet roundhouse kick. His efforts with the Texas Rangers cleaned up that sin-ridden state. What, you thought that was a TV show? No sir (or ma'am), that was a documentary. He is just that good.

Mr. Norris has developed into a pop culture cult icon. He was the hero in the last few minutes of Dodgeball. He is referenced constantly. My old Ultimate Frisbee team had a play called "Chuck Norris." It wasn't physically different from any other play we did. But as we executed it we would scream "Chuck Norris!" and it would scare the crap out of people. Or at least distract them. Just by invoking his name, we were able to triumph in his reflected glory. Someone else in history had that kind of star quality. Please see the second sentence of the previous paragraph.

So while some idiot school administrators in Pennsylvania "take seriously" the threats, we know that no one wants to kill Chuck Norris. And they couldn't if they tried.

Sidebar: I just realized you can't spell culture without "cult." I have this vision of a book cover with an image of Paris Hilton or whoever the newest pop whore is surrounded by cult-looking people. And it will be called "Pop CULTure" with some catchy subtitle. The book could be crap but with a title as awesome as that how could you not buy it?