Cruise Chronicles: Alaska Edition - Las Vegas Airport

As the saying goes, "Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." The fine folks at Las Vegas International Airport, true to their motto, make damned well sure nothing ever leaves Las Vegas, at least not by air.

Seasoned air traveler that I am, I consider myself very tolerant of airports. I don't mind walking to gates, I actually enjoy moving sidewalks and underground trams, and I am adept at airport dining. For instance, I love Atlanta's airport. For the amount of people going through that city, that airport works exceedingly well.

Las Vegas is no Atlanta. The population in the terminal consisted equally of downtrodden, newly poor people, the overexcited elderly, and ladies of the evening, or at least women who dressed like it. And not the "Pretty Woman" type ladies of the evening. The ones that are walking Petri dishes of venereal disease that you would much rather prefer were in the next county rather than brushing up against your exposed elbow.

And there were a lot of people. Not only was every seat taken, but every bit of wall space that offered a modicum of comfort was claimed. People were sitting on the ground leaning against trash cans. Other people, like Leslie and I, who preferred not to sit by the trash can where the non-Pretty Woman prostitutes just spit out her hepatitis gum, kept walking around the terminal. We were like a school of fish in a much-too-small aquarium. Just doing laps to keep from suffocating.

We eventually found a small "bar" in the corner of the terminal that didn't allow children. This eliminated most of the downtrodden people, who, in addition to being newly poor, were blessed with many, many children. Because nothing says family vacation like Vegas. At the bar, we had one beer, one bloody Mary, and two shrink-wrapped sandwiches. $44. It turned out to be the most expensive meal of our vacation. And it wasn't just the bar. The Subway around the corner was charging $1/inch.

After a delay of an hour and a half and a gate change that would cause our luggage to miss the flight, we left the Las Vegas airport, and we never plan on returning.