Warning: This Post contains a laser. Avoid direct eye contact.

I had my informed consent today for my refractive laser eye surgery next week. Informed consent is standard procedure for any elective surgery, and generally involves a group of surgeons graphically describing all the bad things that could happen to you. It is a rather frightening process, as they begin with the generally benign side effects like dry eyes and move swiftly and passionately into the more juicy side effects, like corneal collapse. And, like the good students of science that they are, surgeons never commit to absolutes.

Me: "Doc, will I have poor night vision?"
Surgeon: "There is a non-zero chance."

Me: "Doc, will a freak power surge cause the laser to carve "Kilroy was here" on the back of my skull?"
Surgeon: "There is a non-zero chance."

Awesome.

Anyway, after about an hour of glowing testimonials artfully peppered with dire warnings we finally got to meet the surgeon. A nice, slightly balding Navy doctor in scrubs and a white coat pulled over--what is that?? Is that a cast on his hand??

Bad sign.

So, my surgeon has a cast on his left hand. No biggie, right? Controlling a laser is as simple as a couple keystrokes on a computer, right? That's what he said. He also told us that, while most patients receive Lasik as opposed to the competing procedure, PRK, he was hoping that we would all be PRK patients because he couldn't do Lasik with a cast on his arm.

Really bad sign.

If you are unfamiliar with the differences in laser eye surgery, as I was until nine o' clock this morning, it can be summed up fairly simply:

PRK: A painful, longer recovery.
Lasik: A painless, quick recovery.

Hmm. At this point I was almost too informed to give my consent. I am usually very trusting when it comes to medical professionals, but even I have my limits. I was ready to mutiny against this doc and find myself another cast-free surgeon to zap my eye.

But then I had my one-on-one, and I copped out. I couldn't commit. He produced some very convincing reasons to perform PRK instead of Lasik. Most of those reasons involved colored maps of my eyes with numbers that I didn't understand. But there was an orange spot in the otherwise yellow center of my left eye. This apparently was bad for Lasik, which, if performed, could one day, many many years from now, if the planets are aligned just right and I am standing on my head, result in spontaneous corneal collapse. The same corneal collapse they warned me about! It's a non-zero chance! I couldn't risk it!

So I'm a PRK guy.

I think Lasik would have worked for me, but this surgeon looks like a documenter, and I'm sure he would have documented the crap out of me had I ignored his recommendations. You live and die in the Navy based on documentation, and having that in my record would have screwed me somewhere down the road. ("I see you went against your eye surgeon's recommendation forty years ago. I'm sorry, sir, but Lasik directly caused your arthritis and we cannot treat you.")

Anyway, I go under the ray gun on Monday. I'll share the experience here.