Jerk Dolphins

Dolphins are, without a doubt, freakin' awesome.  With surprising frequency I come across a story on a news site about some heroic dolphin somewhere risking life and flipper to save some non-dolphin.  I think you could argue--successfully--that dolphins, by their actions, are more Christian than Christians.  However, dolphins are known to engage in sexual relations for pleasure, so you know they aren't Roman Catholic.

These heroic dolphin exploits got me thinking: How many of us people would punch a shark to save someone we didn't even know, let alone someone who wasn't in our same biological order?  Not many.  Conversely, I would wager that there is a significant percentage of people who would gladly spoon-feed someone else to that same shark if it meant they could get away.

Even if we assume that dolphins as a species are more altruistic than people, I don't think this Good Samaritan trait is universal among any species.  There has to be some jerk dolphins.  But you never read stories about those dolphins…they somehow avoid detection.  I can only think of two reasons for this:

1.  Dolphins as a species do not tolerate jerks as well as we do.  They may have an excellent system for weeding out the bad apples.  When that shark comes along, the rest of the pod might subtly nudge the jerk to the outside of the group.

2.  Jerk dolphins are really good at what they do, so stories of their misadventures never quite make it back to the rest of us.  I imagine that coming across a dolphin jerk while you are in the process of drowning would not bode well for you. You'd be thinking "Flipper!  Help me to shore buddy!"  Your new dolphin friend, always smiling, would nod his head and go "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" and offer you his dorsal fin.  As you grab it he begins to swim, with all his dolphin might, further out to sea.

Bottom Line:  If you get yourself into a situation where you need a dolphin's help, the dolphin you are dealing with is probably an order of magnitude smarter than you are.  Hope jerk dolphins aren't as prevalent as jerk people.  And never call a dolphin "Flipper."  Even the Mother Theresa of dolphins would drown your ass for that.