Monogoneutic

I am all for smart kids. If there were a Junior Nerd Olympics, I'd be there with my cowbell and giant foam pointy finger cheering on the little freaks. I was definitely a nerd (still am), and I looked the part (still do). I married a nerd, because, as you may recall from recent Discovery Channel documentaries, nerds travel in herds. I was statistically bound to marry one of my own. I also hate stupid people. My wife is a humanities nerd, which is very useful and impressive to unread people like myself. Nothing accentuates your argument better than a well-placed Milton reference. I am a science nerd. I know a lot of the typical constants (mass of the earth, Avogadro's number, the produce code for bananas) and basic conversion factors. I know exactly how many gallons of Jello it would take to fill my living room. In addition to the GPA advantage, Jello calculations are why every fraternity house typically recruits at least one nerdy physics major.

But I don't know what monogoneutic means (Google does - an adjective describing an organism that produces only one brood per year) and I couldn't spell it to save my life. But some fourth grader can.

The National Spelling Bee is one of the more depressing things to watch. These kids are absolutely brilliant--the youngest qualifer this year was eight years old. Eight years old! But I think they put their eggs in the wrong basket. They study continuously for this event. One girl read the dictionary cover-to-cover seven times. She has favorite words to spell. But when will anyone ever need to spell monogoneutic?? And these poor kids, instead of having a normal childhood, are drawing imaginary letters on their arm, contorting their features, or developing any combination of nervous tics trying to spell words that only a roomful of very specialized, even more nerdy fungal biologists would appreciate. And, at the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, they have a comfort room, a room set aside for the losers when their hopes are crushed because they cannot spell numnah (a saddle blanket). They need this room because the kids will cry for more than an hour after they are eliminated. How nice.

And watching this thing! Obviously, I am on duty. Otherwise I'd be doing something else besides blogging about a spelling bee. But the National Spelling Bee is more awkward than an Office episode. You sit there and watch these young kids break down on national television. The audience is just as stressed. There is no murmuring or cheering. Polite applause will do. The announcers say little, and when they do, they are usually patronizing the kids.

Anyway, I wish those children luck. I hope they turn their brilliance to a more fruitful and decidedly less stressful calling.

End of the World Update Part 2 - China

More than 50,000 are missing or dead in the China earthquake.

So, what's going on in Asia? The combined total of deaths in the earthquake and the Myanmar cyclone is large enough to offset the global population growth for an entire day. That's a lot of people.

And China? China is, in many respects, our economic and political equal. They are considered by many to be a superpower and, having already established their global economic influence, are rapidly growing and flexing their military to project the political power. If the 20th century was the American century, all signs indicate we are living in the naissance of the "China Century."

And yet, when an earthquake strikes their less-developed regions, more than 50,000 perish. Why is that? Why is it that their schools are among the more poorly-constructed buildings? Place a similar earthquake anywhere within the United States, Japan, or any other developed nation, and I guarantee less casualties.

Human rights, and the requisite concern for human life, is not the priority it should be in China. In a recent article in a fire protection magazine (I know, I gotta get a life), the fire protection engineer for the "Water Cube" Olympic pool in Beijing, currently under construction, boasted that the new building would indeed meet all national fire codes, employing creative engineering strategies that minimally satisfied the technical parameters of the code. In other words, rather than sacrifice open spaces and "unique" bubble-like construction material (that emits less-than-pleasant fumes when burned), the engineers chose to squeeze by on code compliance. They met the letter of the law, but definitely not the spirit. Not a facility I will be occupying. Ever.

A global superpower with a questionable human rights record is, frankly, rather terrifying. Imagine if Stalin controlled Russia at the height of the Cold War. A national sense of self-preservation is the key controlling factor in any strategic conflict. A country with less concern for the lives of enemy noncombatants, and, ultimately, its own citizens, will be willing to risk more and to accept greater casualties. A country with such an attitude toward human rights can always win through attrition, assuming the adversary is less than or equal in size. At 1 billion strong, China has a significant advantage.

End of the World Update

Developing countries are having a particularly bad week dealing with disasters:

-Cyclone Nagris, a storm no more powerful than Katrina or a Dean, smacked Myanmar last Saturday, killing at least 22,000 people, a number that will likely double or triple before it is all said and done.  The military junta government is blamed for not issuing warnings before the storm and for hesitating to accept aid after the storm.  The meager amount of aid that is trickling into the country cannot reach the hardest-hit Irrawaddy Delta because of the nation's poor infrastructure and absent emergency services.  Pallets of food are unloaded by hand because the airport didn't have any forklifts available.  Rampant inflation and price-gouging is placing the cost of bare essentials--a bag of rice now tops $40--painfully out of reach of a populace where the average daily income is less than $2.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24478247/

Fog - The Great Equalizer

Normally, I hate foggy days.  They are dark and gray and the air is so humid that the fog clings to you.  Like a form of misery that sticks to your skin. 

But today is different.  Today, the fog is my friend.  Today, I heard one of the office dwellers exclaim, in her shrillest voice, to no one in particular, "Ugh!  My window is all gray!" 

Gray, you say?  Gray, like a cubicle wall perhaps?? How does it feel, you over-indulged window-hoarder??  I may never rise to your level, but today, yes, today you have fallen to mine.

Not that I'm bitter.  But someone, some time ago must have made the conscious decision that optimum soul crushing could only occur if cubicle walls were gray, and today we suffer in his legacy.  We have all thought about this gentleman, and how we want to bludgeon him with a stapler. 

So forgive me if, on this foggy day, I smile as window offices experience the same instantaneous morale drop for which cubicles are notorious.  Today, I celebrate Cubicle Appreciation Day.

Jerk Dolphins

Dolphins are, without a doubt, freakin' awesome.  With surprising frequency I come across a story on a news site about some heroic dolphin somewhere risking life and flipper to save some non-dolphin.  I think you could argue--successfully--that dolphins, by their actions, are more Christian than Christians.  However, dolphins are known to engage in sexual relations for pleasure, so you know they aren't Roman Catholic.

These heroic dolphin exploits got me thinking: How many of us people would punch a shark to save someone we didn't even know, let alone someone who wasn't in our same biological order?  Not many.  Conversely, I would wager that there is a significant percentage of people who would gladly spoon-feed someone else to that same shark if it meant they could get away.

Even if we assume that dolphins as a species are more altruistic than people, I don't think this Good Samaritan trait is universal among any species.  There has to be some jerk dolphins.  But you never read stories about those dolphins…they somehow avoid detection.  I can only think of two reasons for this:

1.  Dolphins as a species do not tolerate jerks as well as we do.  They may have an excellent system for weeding out the bad apples.  When that shark comes along, the rest of the pod might subtly nudge the jerk to the outside of the group.

2.  Jerk dolphins are really good at what they do, so stories of their misadventures never quite make it back to the rest of us.  I imagine that coming across a dolphin jerk while you are in the process of drowning would not bode well for you. You'd be thinking "Flipper!  Help me to shore buddy!"  Your new dolphin friend, always smiling, would nod his head and go "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" and offer you his dorsal fin.  As you grab it he begins to swim, with all his dolphin might, further out to sea.

Bottom Line:  If you get yourself into a situation where you need a dolphin's help, the dolphin you are dealing with is probably an order of magnitude smarter than you are.  Hope jerk dolphins aren't as prevalent as jerk people.  And never call a dolphin "Flipper."  Even the Mother Theresa of dolphins would drown your ass for that.